The second hour looks promising, as Big Show is headed to the ring to take on Mark Henry. Show comes to the ring to the sound of the crowd snoring rather than cheering. I heard people cheering for Mark Henry, which is surprising in and of itself. Also, some middle-aged woman was dancing and taking pictures of him on a disposable camera. Good camera work by WWE. The world's two largest athletes stand in the middle of the ring jawing at one another and engaging in a few tests of strength, all won by Mark Henry. I think Paul Donald Wight, Jr. was about to tap out to a wristlock. Now they're trading headbutts. The whole match has consisted of the two of them just holding each other until Big Show takes cheap shots at Henry. HAHA BIG SHOW WITH A SPEAR!!! Which is followed up by, go figure, a front headlock. This reinforces my belief that Breaking Point might be the most boring idea for a PPV ever. Mark Henry hit death from above, but it wasn't enough. Show exposes the turnbuckle and Mark Henry runs into it for the DQ, then hits Henry with the Sobe Shot after the bell.
Score: Double Bogey. ZZZ
DiBiase and Rhodes are backstage talking about how their dads have given them shots at Orton on Raw. Orton is trying to scare Cody Rhodes into not taking him on, as whatever happens is JUST BUSINESS. This takes us to yet another commercial break.
Segment 2:
Dusty Rhodes shows the Fingerpoke of Doom and says 'That's when the fall began' and says that the guy who ruined WCW was a friend of Shawn and HHH named 'Big Sexy'. They say that they wouldn't have let him do that, and Dusty shouldn't have either. Dusty says that WCW was on top from '96-'98 which is also when Shawn Michaels was the champ. That actually made me laugh. Shawn Michaels is pissed that Dusty and HHH are insinuating that he's not responsible for WWE's success and leaves, then HHH says something about Marc Mero as Johnny B. Badd and they watch Rise and Fall of WCW some more. DEAN MALENKO IS ON THE SCREEN.
Rage Against THA Machine plays and Jack Swagger heads to the ring. Carlito comes to the ring next, but isn't wearing the jobber outfit. The Miz comes out and gets more cheers than boos. Isn't he still a bad guy? Kofi Kingston comes out to cheers, but the announcers insist he is going to lose. The Miz immediately leaves the ring and stands outside to avoid getting hit while Kofi, Carlito, and Jack go at it. Carlito throws out Jack Swagger, but the Miz comes in and throws out Carlito in order to isolate the champ. Kofi clears the ring and is chilling in the ring alone. Cool suicide dive considering he jumped clear over the rope without touching it or using it as a slingshot. This, of course, leads to a commercial.
Back to the match - Jack Swagger has Kofi in a half boston crab. It probably ends here. He's going to tap. OH WAIT NO IT DIDNT GO FIGURE!! The Miz enters to hit Swagger with a neckbreaker. Carlito hits Miz with a springboard dropkick and nearly gets a three count. I thought we had a new U.S. Champ and his name was Carlito. Kofi with a cool crossbody onto Miz and Carl. Swagger beats everyone up and hits a Vader Bomb on Carlito for a near fall, then tries it on Miz who gets the knees up. Kofi scoop slams Carlito onto Swagger and hits the Moondrop(?) on both before Miz sends him out of the ring. Miz Hits the Stroke on Jack Swagger but gets hit with the Backstabber by Carlito, who then gets hit with the Trouble in Paradise and Kofi retains the title.
Score: Eagle - one of the more entertaining matches I've seen in quite a while. Several cool spots in this one.
Orton vs. Rhodes is hyped going into another commercial.
SEGMENT 3:
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL AND ITS TIME FOR THE DIVAS MATCH!!!
Beth Phoenix is getting the jobber treatment and is already standing in the ring upon return from commercial. Mickie James acted as though her shoulder hurt and got beaten the whole match, then hit a tornado DDT or something for the win. So what? Who cares?
Score: Par - because it wasn't as bad as that other divas match.
Another wacky segment with Shawn Michaels, HHH, Dusty Rhodes, and The Rise and Fall of WCW. Jean-Paul Levesque mentions that the best moment in WCW history is not on the DVD, which I noticed, too. The Shockmaster is not on there. Someone describing The Shockmaster is really funny, I don't get it. HAHA NO NO NO NO NO NO NO A FAKE SHOCKMASTER!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AND ARN ANDERSON!!!! BEST SEGMENT EVER!!!!
SCORE: DOUBLE EAGLE!!!
SEGMENT 4:
Oh good, John Cena is going to have a backstage interview. He says that he's got a lot of power tonight, but he's going to call the match right down the middle. Like anyone thought that Cody Rhodes was going to win anyway. Why does Cena have to yell during every interview now? He needs an attitude adjustment. He guarantees victory at Breaking Point because he WILL. NOT. QUIT.
The drifter hits the ring first. He looks like a neanderthal. Cody Rhodes comes out with Dusty, then John Cena.
Dusty says that there's nothing a father wouldn't do for his son, and says he's sorry. Legacy and Orton start beating Cena. This wasn't predictable or anything. DX running to the ring to help Cena. Dusty Rhodes hits HHH with his cowboy boot and Legacy is taking Michaels out.
Legacy and Dusty raise their arms in victory, then Orton hits Dusty with the RKO and Cody is pissed. He's thinking of hitting Orton, but it won't happen. Orton and Cody Rhodes stare each other down as the show goes off the air.
Score: Bogey. Total cop-out.
I don't feel like totaling up the score. I say this show was like 15 over par. It was awful.
Monday, August 31, 2009
MONDAY NIGHT RAW HOUR 1
OH HERE WE GO FROM DETROIT!!
The opening montage shows a lot of exciting things like Big Show vs. Mark Henry!!!
Dusty Rhodes comes down to the ring to a big ovation. He talks about how he was inducted into the Hall of Fame, and how Detroit probably won't be a terribly poor city forever. He says he's proud of Cody Rhodes - the crowd is pissed!!! Now he's promoting the I Quit match at Breaking Point, saying that John Cena is going to face his son at Breaking Point. I assume he means Goldust will take on John Cena at a match on Heat before the PPV.
No, he says the Orton is going to face Cody Rhodes for the WWE Championship tonight with a special referee of John Cena.
Orton comes out hopping to his nu-metal tune. He's accusing Dusty Rhodes of being jealous. I'm jealous of Orton's tribals. And his spray-on tan. Orton's threatening to kick him in the skull, so now Cody Rhodes is coming out.
Link is saying that he is going to take the opportunity to face Orton tonight. I never noticed he has a corrected lisp. Orton says the match is fixed, so Papa Roach's music plays and they head to commercial. BUT NOT BEFORE PROMOTING A SIX-DIVA BATTLE ROYAL COMING UP NEXT!!!
SEGMENT 2:
They're showing the Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels match again tomorrow on ECW. I'll finally see it, but I don't know why they keep showing it on every show they have now. ECW has no wrestlers, but still.
TIME FOR THE DIVA BATTLE ROYAL!!! Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly head ot the ring to no applause, but more than Beth Phoenix subsequently comes out to. Next is Rosa Mendes, no one cares. Jillian Hall, no one cares. Alicia Fox, no one cares. I like how they send the next diva out immediately after the previous diva before gets to the ramp. Rosa Mendes is done very quickly. Kelly Kelly is going off. She got hit with the scissors kick by Sharmell, I mean Alicia Fox, who then is eliminated by Gail Kim. Beth Phoenix eliminates Kelly Kelly, still reeling from the scissors kick. Lots of botched spots of Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix almost being eliminated. Jillian Hall is carrying Gail Kim around trying to eliminate her, and there is no fluidity. Gail almost eliminated, but hits Jillian with the head scissors over the ring ropes, then is eliminated by Beth Phoenix.
WORST MATCH EVER. The crowd was booing almost the entire time. I guess we are going to be treated to a match between Beth Phoenix and Mickie James for the title tonight due to the outcome of this match - the crowd still cares.
Score: Triple Bogey.
Jericho is headed to the ring- maybe he can breathe some life into this show. He's apparently taking on MVP after the break, so I guess we aren't going to get to listen to him talk.
SEGMENT 3:
Cole and the King are going over the fact that Mark Henry and MVP will be taking on JeriShow at Breaking Point for the tag titles.
MVP and Jericho start the match off with some hammerlocks. The crowd has a very weak "MVP" chant going. Is this for MVP or for Jericho as Raw's MVP? MVP countered the Lion Tamer, and has momentum. The crowd starts another MVP chant, but he missed a move in the corner to set up the sprinboard dropkick. Commercial break while MVP lies outside the ring.
Back from commercial, it seems like a lot was missed. Jericho has MVP in a sleeper hold. MVP escapes and gets some offense going before being hit with a bulldog by Jericho. The Lionsault misses, and MVP hits 'Cho with a dropkick to the head. Now he gets to hit his dumb "elbow with theatrics" that never gets the three-count. The announcers claim that hesitation cost him. Jericho reverses MVP's finisher into the walls of jericho, which is countered before 'Cho hits the codebreaker for the win.
Score: Par. Nothing good happened, but it followed that horrible divas match so anything would seem good.
Now DX is backstage mocking Dusty Rhodes, who is standing there holding 'The Rise and Fall of WCW' DVD. They attempt to talk him out of giving Cody Rhodes a title shot, then he says that Shawn Michaels and Triple H will get a title shot if he wins. Now DX is fighting about who deserves the title shot. Now Dusty Rhodes says they're going to hang out and watch the WCW DVD, which leads to Shawn Michaels plugging it. Dusty Rhodes plugs his DVD, and Triple H lectures him about how they don't like things being plugged before plugging the DX DVD.
The crowd finds this funny. I don't get it.
Speaking of things that aren't funny, Hornswoggle is dressed as a cowboy while walking through the backstage area. Another commercial.
Segment 4:
YES!!! CHAVO VS HORNSWOGGLE IN A GIMMICK MATCH!! The crowd is booing and nothing's even happened. Chavo's wearing a cow costume without the head. Oh guess what, the ref said he has something else for Chavo before going to get the head.
Hornswoggle is cracking up, and Chavo is pissed. The crowd would probably be pissed, but they're taking a nap right now. The target audience for a segment like this has been in bed for 55 minutes, why don't they just put this on Superstars and be done with it. It's the only show that comes on when three-year-olds are up.
Chavo takes the head off and is threatening to hit Hornswoggle, but Evan Bourne runs out again. The distraction allows Hornswoggle to use the rope to flip Chavo off, put the cow head on backwards, and tie him up for the victory. The crowd started a bullshit chant to signify that this match was crap and that a cow was involved.
Chavo attacks Evan Bourne, misses a shoulder block into the turnbuckle, Evan Bourne hits him, and Hornswoggle puts on the cow head and hits a big splash. Michael Cole actually followed that up by saying 'WHAT A MOOVE'. I'm going to kill myself now.
Score: Triple Bogey. Second of the night, this was a good first hour.
The opening montage shows a lot of exciting things like Big Show vs. Mark Henry!!!
Dusty Rhodes comes down to the ring to a big ovation. He talks about how he was inducted into the Hall of Fame, and how Detroit probably won't be a terribly poor city forever. He says he's proud of Cody Rhodes - the crowd is pissed!!! Now he's promoting the I Quit match at Breaking Point, saying that John Cena is going to face his son at Breaking Point. I assume he means Goldust will take on John Cena at a match on Heat before the PPV.
No, he says the Orton is going to face Cody Rhodes for the WWE Championship tonight with a special referee of John Cena.
Orton comes out hopping to his nu-metal tune. He's accusing Dusty Rhodes of being jealous. I'm jealous of Orton's tribals. And his spray-on tan. Orton's threatening to kick him in the skull, so now Cody Rhodes is coming out.
Link is saying that he is going to take the opportunity to face Orton tonight. I never noticed he has a corrected lisp. Orton says the match is fixed, so Papa Roach's music plays and they head to commercial. BUT NOT BEFORE PROMOTING A SIX-DIVA BATTLE ROYAL COMING UP NEXT!!!
SEGMENT 2:
They're showing the Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels match again tomorrow on ECW. I'll finally see it, but I don't know why they keep showing it on every show they have now. ECW has no wrestlers, but still.
TIME FOR THE DIVA BATTLE ROYAL!!! Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly head ot the ring to no applause, but more than Beth Phoenix subsequently comes out to. Next is Rosa Mendes, no one cares. Jillian Hall, no one cares. Alicia Fox, no one cares. I like how they send the next diva out immediately after the previous diva before gets to the ramp. Rosa Mendes is done very quickly. Kelly Kelly is going off. She got hit with the scissors kick by Sharmell, I mean Alicia Fox, who then is eliminated by Gail Kim. Beth Phoenix eliminates Kelly Kelly, still reeling from the scissors kick. Lots of botched spots of Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix almost being eliminated. Jillian Hall is carrying Gail Kim around trying to eliminate her, and there is no fluidity. Gail almost eliminated, but hits Jillian with the head scissors over the ring ropes, then is eliminated by Beth Phoenix.
WORST MATCH EVER. The crowd was booing almost the entire time. I guess we are going to be treated to a match between Beth Phoenix and Mickie James for the title tonight due to the outcome of this match - the crowd still cares.
Score: Triple Bogey.
Jericho is headed to the ring- maybe he can breathe some life into this show. He's apparently taking on MVP after the break, so I guess we aren't going to get to listen to him talk.
SEGMENT 3:
Cole and the King are going over the fact that Mark Henry and MVP will be taking on JeriShow at Breaking Point for the tag titles.
MVP and Jericho start the match off with some hammerlocks. The crowd has a very weak "MVP" chant going. Is this for MVP or for Jericho as Raw's MVP? MVP countered the Lion Tamer, and has momentum. The crowd starts another MVP chant, but he missed a move in the corner to set up the sprinboard dropkick. Commercial break while MVP lies outside the ring.
Back from commercial, it seems like a lot was missed. Jericho has MVP in a sleeper hold. MVP escapes and gets some offense going before being hit with a bulldog by Jericho. The Lionsault misses, and MVP hits 'Cho with a dropkick to the head. Now he gets to hit his dumb "elbow with theatrics" that never gets the three-count. The announcers claim that hesitation cost him. Jericho reverses MVP's finisher into the walls of jericho, which is countered before 'Cho hits the codebreaker for the win.
Score: Par. Nothing good happened, but it followed that horrible divas match so anything would seem good.
Now DX is backstage mocking Dusty Rhodes, who is standing there holding 'The Rise and Fall of WCW' DVD. They attempt to talk him out of giving Cody Rhodes a title shot, then he says that Shawn Michaels and Triple H will get a title shot if he wins. Now DX is fighting about who deserves the title shot. Now Dusty Rhodes says they're going to hang out and watch the WCW DVD, which leads to Shawn Michaels plugging it. Dusty Rhodes plugs his DVD, and Triple H lectures him about how they don't like things being plugged before plugging the DX DVD.
The crowd finds this funny. I don't get it.
Speaking of things that aren't funny, Hornswoggle is dressed as a cowboy while walking through the backstage area. Another commercial.
Segment 4:
YES!!! CHAVO VS HORNSWOGGLE IN A GIMMICK MATCH!! The crowd is booing and nothing's even happened. Chavo's wearing a cow costume without the head. Oh guess what, the ref said he has something else for Chavo before going to get the head.
Hornswoggle is cracking up, and Chavo is pissed. The crowd would probably be pissed, but they're taking a nap right now. The target audience for a segment like this has been in bed for 55 minutes, why don't they just put this on Superstars and be done with it. It's the only show that comes on when three-year-olds are up.
Chavo takes the head off and is threatening to hit Hornswoggle, but Evan Bourne runs out again. The distraction allows Hornswoggle to use the rope to flip Chavo off, put the cow head on backwards, and tie him up for the victory. The crowd started a bullshit chant to signify that this match was crap and that a cow was involved.
Chavo attacks Evan Bourne, misses a shoulder block into the turnbuckle, Evan Bourne hits him, and Hornswoggle puts on the cow head and hits a big splash. Michael Cole actually followed that up by saying 'WHAT A MOOVE'. I'm going to kill myself now.
Score: Triple Bogey. Second of the night, this was a good first hour.
Friday, August 28, 2009
REALLY GOOD ART
And to think, my good friend Balesteri over at Wrestling-Caricatures.com made this cartoon so recently.
Why, Jeff, Why? I'm on the verge of tears again just thinking about it.
Smackdown Scorecard
HELLO OUT THERE it's time for another episode of WWE SMACKDOWN!!!
The show starts out with a montage of events from Summerslam, before showing CM Punk in the ring. He is complaining about how hurt he is after he and Jeff Hardy's TLC match at the last Pay-Per-View, and is berating the fans about how they're addicted to painkillers while he suffers. This makes him better because his edge is strong. He mentions how there is a steel cage above the ring where he and The Charismatic Enigma will be competing in a match later tonight, and how that is unfair. Once again, he mentions how he is better than the crowd before OH MY GOD THE ENIGMA'S MUSIC HIT!!!!
Jeffrey limps out to the ring to a HUGE OVATION!!!! He is wearing a tight shirt but is not wearing any cool facepaint. He says something about how the sXe's reign as champion is going to end tonight!!!! Why does this man insist on painting his nails? He looks like a moron. He tells Philip Jack Brooks that there are three words more important than 'JUST SAY NO', they are 'STEEL CAGE MATCH'. CLEVER!!!
Phil asks Jeff Hardy how f**cked up he is right now. He proceeds to ask him what his drug of choice is, assuming we fans are stupid and don't already know he loves heroin. He mentions that he no longer wants to be booed, and says there isn't room in this town for both of them anymore. HE CHALLENGES THE ENIGMA TO A LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH!!!! He explains it while telling this junkie exactly what that means, to which he gets a response that I swear Frank Caliendo voiced with his George W. Bush impression. It's Straight edge vs. Junkies, which I can only assume is like Skaters Vs. Preps. Teddy Long's music comes out and he tells these playbois that they are going to be facing off before the winner defends the title in 2 weeks(already????) against Mark Calaway at Breaking Point.
Score: Birdie - Watching Phil Brooks preach about straight edge while the crowd cheers for drugs is pretty hilarious.
Back from commercial - HERE COMES TOUGH ENOUGH ALUMNUS JOHN MORRISON!!! JR makes a funny joke about his outfit. HIS PARTNER IS MATTITUDE V2.0!! He does a stupid dance on the ramp and then makes his way to the ring
Their opponents are The Hart Dynasty for this anticipated tag match. Tyson Kidd faces off with Matt Hardy (Who i've now decided looks like Jake The Snake) to start the match. Jake Hardy is looking terrible in the ring. The parts of the match with the British Bulldog Jr. and Jake The Snake V2.0 are awful. John Morrison wins with a high risk move in the corner. OK match, but they didn't let the two best people work together. There's some awkward posturing in the ring after the match, and the announcers finally referred to Morrison's standing shooting star press as what it is.
Score: Par - Matt Hardy and DHS slowed the match down more than anything, but it was still over in about 3 minutes. Morrison saved it from being a bogey.
Oh good, we're back from break and Melina and Maria are talking about Dolph Ziggler backstage. The crowd and I care. Melina looks weird. Dolph Ziggler shows up looking like Billy Gunn circa 1998. Maria confronts him and no one cares.
Drew McIntyre is waiting in the ring looking tight, and here comes RON THE TRUTH KILLINGS/K-KWIK to challenge him. The crowd likes any wrestler who pretends he can rap, I guess. They're going nuts. Nevermind, they stopped going nuts very quickly. This went on about 30 seconds too long, at least. The crowd is taking a nap. He comes in the ring and the jobber without an intro punches him and makes him stop. The crowd is dead while Drewbie hits K-Kwik with a DDT. He's got the mic, oh god. He cuts a promo about how the party's over, and I was waiting for him to say 'IM FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT'. He didn't pin him, so I'm not sure how the match ended.
Score: Eagle - Any time someone wins a squash match without an intro, it's a winner.
Next, Melina in a women's match. I took a nap.
REY MYSTERIO HITS THE RING!! He's wearing a mask that's open at the back, I assume because his head is growing too quickly due to the steroids. He's taking on Kane. Worthless Rey Mysterio vs. Big Man match that's been happening since he took on Kevin Nash in 1997. Kane gets DQ'd for slamming Rey against the ringpost too many times, which brings Dalip Singh to the ring. Khali attacks Kane and then supposedly hit him with the chokelift slam over the ropes, but it was the most poorly executed maneuver I've ever seen.
Finally, Dolph Ziggler hits the ring and takes on Reymond Mysterio. Exciting.
Score: Double Bogey. That chokelift or whatever was awful.
Show and Jericho head to the ring. Jericho cuts a promo about how they're the greatest while the crowd boos. Apparently, this crowd doesn't appreciate greatness or people with values.
Oh good, Shad Gaspard is heading to the ring to continue a feud that never should have started. Shad is dominating the match, and after hitting a slam on Jericho thinks he has the win. Big Show pulls Jericho out, so Teddy Long comes out and declares that the match is going to continue as a tag team match. Oh boy, more of the feud that never should have happened.
JTG and 'Cho starting it off. Jericho is fortunately entertaining enough that his yelling while Show and JTG are in the ring keeps my attention. Show finishes it off with his new finisher - the punch. I'm not sure why this is believable - Maybe he should call it the Sobe Energy Shot and start repaying those debts with the free advertising.
Score: Bogey - Not as bad as Kane vs. Rey, but bad.
Good shot of Jeff Hardy painting his face, looking tight. Jake Hardy wishes him good luck, and tells him that he always rolls the dice because he's addicted to gambling as well as drugs. Many faces for this clown, many vices as well.
Score: Eagle - Hatchetmen everywhere were going off for this.
Wow, the main event is starting very early. Jeff Hardy comes out to thunderous applause, looking like an idiot as always. He has holes in his shirt. I suppose it's to represent his earlier life as a junkie in the back alleys of North Carolina. Punk jumps him from behind as he walks down the entrance ramp and is throwing him at the cage.
Punk tosses him into the cage and immediately attempts to escape before being pulled down by Jeff Hardy. Phil Brooks is dominating, but can't seem to escape. He tries to go for the pin, as I guess this is the rare cage match that can be won by escape, pinfall, or submission. Hardy hit an inverted atomic drop, and then attempted to sell that he was going to win with an awkward pin. Hardy almost escapes through the door which is held open by a WWE official. Did they always do this?
Charismatic Enigma almost escapes and the crowd goes nuts, but Phil won't let him. The Unique Enigma could have climbed out, but jumped off the top rope onto CM Punk instead. Clearly his he's unable to make good decisions due to all the drugs he's been using.
"Just like two guys racing cars for pinkslips, these guys are fighting for pinkslips" - Todd Grisham
HARDY HAS PUNK SET UP FOR THE TWIST OF FATE, BUT NO !!!! ITS REVERSED INTO THE GTS!!! NO THATS REVERSED INTO THE BACKSLIDE!!! DID HE GET HIM???? NO!!!!! I THOUGHT THE BACKSLIDE WAS THE WINNER!!!!
Again, Phil set up Hardy for the GTS, but it was countered successfully into the Twist of Fate. CAN JEFFREY DO IT???? He's on top of the cage, but CM Punk caught his leg and they're fighting on top of the cage. THE STRAIGHT EDGE SUPERSTAR AND THE RENEGADE.
Hardy's over the top, but Punk is holding him up, preventing him from falling. He then hits a huge suplex back into the ring.
Punk hits Hardy with the eye gouge and escapes the cage. At least he won with a dirty move. I'd want to poke those mall-goth eyes, too. The Enigmatic Clown lies in the ring with a look of disbelief on his face. He didn't wear the shants in this match.
Hardy looks old. Drug abuse does that to a person though. Fat mall-goths in the audience are crying like crazy. Some girl was fanning her face to rid herself of the tears. Jeff is giving a speech about how he's sorry for letting down all his [sic] klowns. People are seriously crying. This is pathetic. He says he's not leaving forever. Now he's plugging his brother Jake Hardy. They keep showing some fat chick who is trying to start a 'Thank You Jeff' chant. It doesn't work as well as 'Thank You Sting' did in TNA.
THERE ARE SERIOUSLY SO MANY PEOPLE CRYING. DID WWE PLANT THEM???
PHILIP JACK BROOKS IS BACK AGAIN!! HE JACKED JEFF WITH THE BELT!!! I'd start an sXe chant!!!
I think a proper angle here would be to have CM Punk join FSU after this show. He's militant straight edge now, and it makes so much sense. The show ends with Punk holding the belt as your straight edge champion.
Score: Eagle - Any time people are crying over a sic klown leaving a wrestling organization, it's hilarious.
TOTAL SCORE: 5 under par. I don't know how I came to that conclusion, but this show did keep me entertained, mostly due to unintentional humor like people crying over the Enigma's departure.
CAN'T WAIT 'TIL RAW!!! SEE YOU THEN!!!
The show starts out with a montage of events from Summerslam, before showing CM Punk in the ring. He is complaining about how hurt he is after he and Jeff Hardy's TLC match at the last Pay-Per-View, and is berating the fans about how they're addicted to painkillers while he suffers. This makes him better because his edge is strong. He mentions how there is a steel cage above the ring where he and The Charismatic Enigma will be competing in a match later tonight, and how that is unfair. Once again, he mentions how he is better than the crowd before OH MY GOD THE ENIGMA'S MUSIC HIT!!!!
Jeffrey limps out to the ring to a HUGE OVATION!!!! He is wearing a tight shirt but is not wearing any cool facepaint. He says something about how the sXe's reign as champion is going to end tonight!!!! Why does this man insist on painting his nails? He looks like a moron. He tells Philip Jack Brooks that there are three words more important than 'JUST SAY NO', they are 'STEEL CAGE MATCH'. CLEVER!!!
Phil asks Jeff Hardy how f**cked up he is right now. He proceeds to ask him what his drug of choice is, assuming we fans are stupid and don't already know he loves heroin. He mentions that he no longer wants to be booed, and says there isn't room in this town for both of them anymore. HE CHALLENGES THE ENIGMA TO A LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH!!!! He explains it while telling this junkie exactly what that means, to which he gets a response that I swear Frank Caliendo voiced with his George W. Bush impression. It's Straight edge vs. Junkies, which I can only assume is like Skaters Vs. Preps. Teddy Long's music comes out and he tells these playbois that they are going to be facing off before the winner defends the title in 2 weeks(already????) against Mark Calaway at Breaking Point.
Score: Birdie - Watching Phil Brooks preach about straight edge while the crowd cheers for drugs is pretty hilarious.
Back from commercial - HERE COMES TOUGH ENOUGH ALUMNUS JOHN MORRISON!!! JR makes a funny joke about his outfit. HIS PARTNER IS MATTITUDE V2.0!! He does a stupid dance on the ramp and then makes his way to the ring
Their opponents are The Hart Dynasty for this anticipated tag match. Tyson Kidd faces off with Matt Hardy (Who i've now decided looks like Jake The Snake) to start the match. Jake Hardy is looking terrible in the ring. The parts of the match with the British Bulldog Jr. and Jake The Snake V2.0 are awful. John Morrison wins with a high risk move in the corner. OK match, but they didn't let the two best people work together. There's some awkward posturing in the ring after the match, and the announcers finally referred to Morrison's standing shooting star press as what it is.
Score: Par - Matt Hardy and DHS slowed the match down more than anything, but it was still over in about 3 minutes. Morrison saved it from being a bogey.
Oh good, we're back from break and Melina and Maria are talking about Dolph Ziggler backstage. The crowd and I care. Melina looks weird. Dolph Ziggler shows up looking like Billy Gunn circa 1998. Maria confronts him and no one cares.
Drew McIntyre is waiting in the ring looking tight, and here comes RON THE TRUTH KILLINGS/K-KWIK to challenge him. The crowd likes any wrestler who pretends he can rap, I guess. They're going nuts. Nevermind, they stopped going nuts very quickly. This went on about 30 seconds too long, at least. The crowd is taking a nap. He comes in the ring and the jobber without an intro punches him and makes him stop. The crowd is dead while Drewbie hits K-Kwik with a DDT. He's got the mic, oh god. He cuts a promo about how the party's over, and I was waiting for him to say 'IM FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT'. He didn't pin him, so I'm not sure how the match ended.
Score: Eagle - Any time someone wins a squash match without an intro, it's a winner.
Next, Melina in a women's match. I took a nap.
REY MYSTERIO HITS THE RING!! He's wearing a mask that's open at the back, I assume because his head is growing too quickly due to the steroids. He's taking on Kane. Worthless Rey Mysterio vs. Big Man match that's been happening since he took on Kevin Nash in 1997. Kane gets DQ'd for slamming Rey against the ringpost too many times, which brings Dalip Singh to the ring. Khali attacks Kane and then supposedly hit him with the chokelift slam over the ropes, but it was the most poorly executed maneuver I've ever seen.
Finally, Dolph Ziggler hits the ring and takes on Reymond Mysterio. Exciting.
Score: Double Bogey. That chokelift or whatever was awful.
Show and Jericho head to the ring. Jericho cuts a promo about how they're the greatest while the crowd boos. Apparently, this crowd doesn't appreciate greatness or people with values.
Oh good, Shad Gaspard is heading to the ring to continue a feud that never should have started. Shad is dominating the match, and after hitting a slam on Jericho thinks he has the win. Big Show pulls Jericho out, so Teddy Long comes out and declares that the match is going to continue as a tag team match. Oh boy, more of the feud that never should have happened.
JTG and 'Cho starting it off. Jericho is fortunately entertaining enough that his yelling while Show and JTG are in the ring keeps my attention. Show finishes it off with his new finisher - the punch. I'm not sure why this is believable - Maybe he should call it the Sobe Energy Shot and start repaying those debts with the free advertising.
Score: Bogey - Not as bad as Kane vs. Rey, but bad.
Good shot of Jeff Hardy painting his face, looking tight. Jake Hardy wishes him good luck, and tells him that he always rolls the dice because he's addicted to gambling as well as drugs. Many faces for this clown, many vices as well.
Score: Eagle - Hatchetmen everywhere were going off for this.
Wow, the main event is starting very early. Jeff Hardy comes out to thunderous applause, looking like an idiot as always. He has holes in his shirt. I suppose it's to represent his earlier life as a junkie in the back alleys of North Carolina. Punk jumps him from behind as he walks down the entrance ramp and is throwing him at the cage.
Punk tosses him into the cage and immediately attempts to escape before being pulled down by Jeff Hardy. Phil Brooks is dominating, but can't seem to escape. He tries to go for the pin, as I guess this is the rare cage match that can be won by escape, pinfall, or submission. Hardy hit an inverted atomic drop, and then attempted to sell that he was going to win with an awkward pin. Hardy almost escapes through the door which is held open by a WWE official. Did they always do this?
Charismatic Enigma almost escapes and the crowd goes nuts, but Phil won't let him. The Unique Enigma could have climbed out, but jumped off the top rope onto CM Punk instead. Clearly his he's unable to make good decisions due to all the drugs he's been using.
"Just like two guys racing cars for pinkslips, these guys are fighting for pinkslips" - Todd Grisham
HARDY HAS PUNK SET UP FOR THE TWIST OF FATE, BUT NO !!!! ITS REVERSED INTO THE GTS!!! NO THATS REVERSED INTO THE BACKSLIDE!!! DID HE GET HIM???? NO!!!!! I THOUGHT THE BACKSLIDE WAS THE WINNER!!!!
Again, Phil set up Hardy for the GTS, but it was countered successfully into the Twist of Fate. CAN JEFFREY DO IT???? He's on top of the cage, but CM Punk caught his leg and they're fighting on top of the cage. THE STRAIGHT EDGE SUPERSTAR AND THE RENEGADE.
Hardy's over the top, but Punk is holding him up, preventing him from falling. He then hits a huge suplex back into the ring.
Punk hits Hardy with the eye gouge and escapes the cage. At least he won with a dirty move. I'd want to poke those mall-goth eyes, too. The Enigmatic Clown lies in the ring with a look of disbelief on his face. He didn't wear the shants in this match.
Hardy looks old. Drug abuse does that to a person though. Fat mall-goths in the audience are crying like crazy. Some girl was fanning her face to rid herself of the tears. Jeff is giving a speech about how he's sorry for letting down all his [sic] klowns. People are seriously crying. This is pathetic. He says he's not leaving forever. Now he's plugging his brother Jake Hardy. They keep showing some fat chick who is trying to start a 'Thank You Jeff' chant. It doesn't work as well as 'Thank You Sting' did in TNA.
THERE ARE SERIOUSLY SO MANY PEOPLE CRYING. DID WWE PLANT THEM???
PHILIP JACK BROOKS IS BACK AGAIN!! HE JACKED JEFF WITH THE BELT!!! I'd start an sXe chant!!!
I think a proper angle here would be to have CM Punk join FSU after this show. He's militant straight edge now, and it makes so much sense. The show ends with Punk holding the belt as your straight edge champion.
Score: Eagle - Any time people are crying over a sic klown leaving a wrestling organization, it's hilarious.
TOTAL SCORE: 5 under par. I don't know how I came to that conclusion, but this show did keep me entertained, mostly due to unintentional humor like people crying over the Enigma's departure.
CAN'T WAIT 'TIL RAW!!! SEE YOU THEN!!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
TNA iMPACT! sCORECARD!
Hole #1: Birdie
Allen Jones (A.J. Styles) & Steve Borden (Sting) arrive in Steve Borden's car!
Monty Sopp returns to television and pulls a Vince Russo!
Hole #2: Double Bogey
Joel Nuufolau Seanoa (Samoa Joe) vs. Frankie Kazarian (Suicide) ending in a no contest (via interference from The Alchemist)!
Frankie seemed pretty pissed at the result of the match.
These two men will hook-up later in a tag team battle!
Hole #3: Par
Eric Young interviewed by Lo!
Eric guaranteed Hernandez will become member of the World Elite tonight!
Hole #4: Par
Eric Young and the World Elite appear in the ring.
Daivari (Bashir) is pissed!
Hernandez comes out and Eric Young tells him the fans will never like him because he's not from America!
Hernandez tells Eric Young to get out! The fans went off!
Hole #5: Bogey
Lo interviews Traci and Charmelle!
Dr. Stevie convinces Alex Shelley and Chris Sabian to take the bounty on Chris Parks (Abyss).
Hole #6: Par
Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed def. Traci Brooks & Charmelle Huffman
A couple really nice spots in here, including a nasty snap suplex!
Hole #7: Triple Bogey
Matt Morgan is hanging out with the Main Event Mafia.
Booker Huffman was pretty pissed in there.
Tension continues to mount amongst the M.E.M.!
Hole #8: Eagle
Jesse Neal def. Rhyno via reversed decision!
This match was pretty intense and it looked like Rhyno was really going after him! Rhyno initially won the match via a huge spinebuster, but the decision was reversed! Rhyno hit a big gore after the bell. Brother D-Von came out in some nice wind pants and Michael Jackson t-shirt. He stared down Rhyno as he came to the aid of Neal.
Hole #9: Bogey
O.D.B., Cody Deiner, Abyss in Mick Foley's office.
Mick Foley announced that O.D.B. would be facing Cody for the Knockouts title at No Surrender!
Hole #10: Eagle
Abyss enters the office with a bat wrapped in barbed wire to receive some groceries.
Abyss leaves wearing a tight hoodie through the hallway.
Hole #11: Eagle
Abyss def. The Motor City Machine Guns via Big Boss Man's finisher
Tight high flying match with lots of good spots!
Hole #12: Triple Bogey
Kevin Nash appears on the entrance ramp
Kevin Nash tells Dr. Stevie he is out for the $50,000 bounty on Abyss' head!
Hole #13: Par
Hamada def. Daffney via the Taka Driver
Good spot with an Asai moonsault through a table!
The crowd started chanting "This is awesome!"
Hole #14: Par
The Beautiful People confront Madison!
Hole #15: Par
Daniels & Suicide def. The Alchemist & Joe via pinfall!
Pretty good match!
Hole #16: Double Bogey
Dixie Carter & Bob interview!
Dixie Carter was lookin' pretty fucking good and Bob was wearing tight pants! Go watch the interview at TNAWrestling.com!
Hole #17: Par
Kurt Angle joined Tazz and Tenay on commentary! He looked blazed, hah.
Hole #18: Bogey
Borden, Hernanadez, Jones def. Huffman, Rechsteiner, Morgan via pinfall
Sting wrestled in his new t-shirt!
Huffman and Rechsteiner attacked Morgan after the match!
Overall score: Three over par! Pretty strong showing for iMPACT! Tune in this weekend for the Smackdown report!
Allen Jones (A.J. Styles) & Steve Borden (Sting) arrive in Steve Borden's car!
Monty Sopp returns to television and pulls a Vince Russo!
Hole #2: Double Bogey
Joel Nuufolau Seanoa (Samoa Joe) vs. Frankie Kazarian (Suicide) ending in a no contest (via interference from The Alchemist)!
Frankie seemed pretty pissed at the result of the match.
These two men will hook-up later in a tag team battle!
Hole #3: Par
Eric Young interviewed by Lo!
Eric guaranteed Hernandez will become member of the World Elite tonight!
Hole #4: Par
Eric Young and the World Elite appear in the ring.
Daivari (Bashir) is pissed!
Hernandez comes out and Eric Young tells him the fans will never like him because he's not from America!
Hernandez tells Eric Young to get out! The fans went off!
Hole #5: Bogey
Lo interviews Traci and Charmelle!
Dr. Stevie convinces Alex Shelley and Chris Sabian to take the bounty on Chris Parks (Abyss).
Hole #6: Par
Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed def. Traci Brooks & Charmelle Huffman
A couple really nice spots in here, including a nasty snap suplex!
Hole #7: Triple Bogey
Matt Morgan is hanging out with the Main Event Mafia.
Booker Huffman was pretty pissed in there.
Tension continues to mount amongst the M.E.M.!
Hole #8: Eagle
Jesse Neal def. Rhyno via reversed decision!
This match was pretty intense and it looked like Rhyno was really going after him! Rhyno initially won the match via a huge spinebuster, but the decision was reversed! Rhyno hit a big gore after the bell. Brother D-Von came out in some nice wind pants and Michael Jackson t-shirt. He stared down Rhyno as he came to the aid of Neal.
Hole #9: Bogey
O.D.B., Cody Deiner, Abyss in Mick Foley's office.
Mick Foley announced that O.D.B. would be facing Cody for the Knockouts title at No Surrender!
Hole #10: Eagle
Abyss enters the office with a bat wrapped in barbed wire to receive some groceries.
Abyss leaves wearing a tight hoodie through the hallway.
Hole #11: Eagle
Abyss def. The Motor City Machine Guns via Big Boss Man's finisher
Tight high flying match with lots of good spots!
Hole #12: Triple Bogey
Kevin Nash appears on the entrance ramp
Kevin Nash tells Dr. Stevie he is out for the $50,000 bounty on Abyss' head!
Hole #13: Par
Hamada def. Daffney via the Taka Driver
Good spot with an Asai moonsault through a table!
The crowd started chanting "This is awesome!"
Hole #14: Par
The Beautiful People confront Madison!
Hole #15: Par
Daniels & Suicide def. The Alchemist & Joe via pinfall!
Pretty good match!
Hole #16: Double Bogey
Dixie Carter & Bob interview!
Dixie Carter was lookin' pretty fucking good and Bob was wearing tight pants! Go watch the interview at TNAWrestling.com!
Hole #17: Par
Kurt Angle joined Tazz and Tenay on commentary! He looked blazed, hah.
Hole #18: Bogey
Borden, Hernanadez, Jones def. Huffman, Rechsteiner, Morgan via pinfall
Sting wrestled in his new t-shirt!
Huffman and Rechsteiner attacked Morgan after the match!
Overall score: Three over par! Pretty strong showing for iMPACT! Tune in this weekend for the Smackdown report!
WELCOME
Welcome to The Pumphandle Slam, a blog similar in status to Kip James in terms of power at this moment. We will be bringing you the latest news from the wrestling world (by not breaking anything ourselves, but linking you to other sources, who will then link you to other sources.) as well as analysis of all the major TNA and WWE shows and pay-per-views!
Also, be prepared for questions and polls regarding your favorite superstars of past and present!
Tonight, we are going to start off with a very exciting question.
Be on the lookout!
Also, be prepared for questions and polls regarding your favorite superstars of past and present!
Tonight, we are going to start off with a very exciting question.
Be on the lookout!
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