Smackdown Scorecard

HELLO OUT THERE it's time for another episode of WWE SMACKDOWN!!!

The show starts out with a montage of events from Summerslam, before showing CM Punk in the ring. He is complaining about how hurt he is after he and Jeff Hardy's TLC match at the last Pay-Per-View, and is berating the fans about how they're addicted to painkillers while he suffers. This makes him better because his edge is strong. He mentions how there is a steel cage above the ring where he and The Charismatic Enigma will be competing in a match later tonight, and how that is unfair. Once again, he mentions how he is better than the crowd before OH MY GOD THE ENIGMA'S MUSIC HIT!!!!

Jeffrey limps out to the ring to a HUGE OVATION!!!! He is wearing a tight shirt but is not wearing any cool facepaint. He says something about how the sXe's reign as champion is going to end tonight!!!! Why does this man insist on painting his nails? He looks like a moron. He tells Philip Jack Brooks that there are three words more important than 'JUST SAY NO', they are 'STEEL CAGE MATCH'. CLEVER!!!

Phil asks Jeff Hardy how f**cked up he is right now. He proceeds to ask him what his drug of choice is, assuming we fans are stupid and don't already know he loves heroin. He mentions that he no longer wants to be booed, and says there isn't room in this town for both of them anymore. HE CHALLENGES THE ENIGMA TO A LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH!!!! He explains it while telling this junkie exactly what that means, to which he gets a response that I swear Frank Caliendo voiced with his George W. Bush impression. It's Straight edge vs. Junkies, which I can only assume is like Skaters Vs. Preps. Teddy Long's music comes out and he tells these playbois that they are going to be facing off before the winner defends the title in 2 weeks(already????) against Mark Calaway at Breaking Point.

Score: Birdie - Watching Phil Brooks preach about straight edge while the crowd cheers for drugs is pretty hilarious.

Back from commercial - HERE COMES TOUGH ENOUGH ALUMNUS JOHN MORRISON!!! JR makes a funny joke about his outfit. HIS PARTNER IS MATTITUDE V2.0!! He does a stupid dance on the ramp and then makes his way to the ring

Their opponents are The Hart Dynasty for this anticipated tag match. Tyson Kidd faces off with Matt Hardy (Who i've now decided looks like Jake The Snake) to start the match. Jake Hardy is looking terrible in the ring. The parts of the match with the British Bulldog Jr. and Jake The Snake V2.0 are awful. John Morrison wins with a high risk move in the corner. OK match, but they didn't let the two best people work together. There's some awkward posturing in the ring after the match, and the announcers finally referred to Morrison's standing shooting star press as what it is.

Score: Par - Matt Hardy and DHS slowed the match down more than anything, but it was still over in about 3 minutes. Morrison saved it from being a bogey.

Oh good, we're back from break and Melina and Maria are talking about Dolph Ziggler backstage. The crowd and I care. Melina looks weird. Dolph Ziggler shows up looking like Billy Gunn circa 1998. Maria confronts him and no one cares.

Drew McIntyre is waiting in the ring looking tight, and here comes RON THE TRUTH KILLINGS/K-KWIK to challenge him. The crowd likes any wrestler who pretends he can rap, I guess. They're going nuts. Nevermind, they stopped going nuts very quickly. This went on about 30 seconds too long, at least. The crowd is taking a nap. He comes in the ring and the jobber without an intro punches him and makes him stop. The crowd is dead while Drewbie hits K-Kwik with a DDT. He's got the mic, oh god. He cuts a promo about how the party's over, and I was waiting for him to say 'IM FINLAY AND I LOVE TO FIGHT'. He didn't pin him, so I'm not sure how the match ended.

Score: Eagle - Any time someone wins a squash match without an intro, it's a winner.

Next, Melina in a women's match. I took a nap.

REY MYSTERIO HITS THE RING!! He's wearing a mask that's open at the back, I assume because his head is growing too quickly due to the steroids. He's taking on Kane. Worthless Rey Mysterio vs. Big Man match that's been happening since he took on Kevin Nash in 1997. Kane gets DQ'd for slamming Rey against the ringpost too many times, which brings Dalip Singh to the ring. Khali attacks Kane and then supposedly hit him with the chokelift slam over the ropes, but it was the most poorly executed maneuver I've ever seen.

Finally, Dolph Ziggler hits the ring and takes on Reymond Mysterio. Exciting.

Score: Double Bogey. That chokelift or whatever was awful.

Show and Jericho head to the ring. Jericho cuts a promo about how they're the greatest while the crowd boos. Apparently, this crowd doesn't appreciate greatness or people with values.

Oh good, Shad Gaspard is heading to the ring to continue a feud that never should have started. Shad is dominating the match, and after hitting a slam on Jericho thinks he has the win. Big Show pulls Jericho out, so Teddy Long comes out and declares that the match is going to continue as a tag team match. Oh boy, more of the feud that never should have happened.

JTG and 'Cho starting it off. Jericho is fortunately entertaining enough that his yelling while Show and JTG are in the ring keeps my attention. Show finishes it off with his new finisher - the punch. I'm not sure why this is believable - Maybe he should call it the Sobe Energy Shot and start repaying those debts with the free advertising.

Score: Bogey - Not as bad as Kane vs. Rey, but bad.

Good shot of Jeff Hardy painting his face, looking tight. Jake Hardy wishes him good luck, and tells him that he always rolls the dice because he's addicted to gambling as well as drugs. Many faces for this clown, many vices as well.

Score: Eagle - Hatchetmen everywhere were going off for this.

Wow, the main event is starting very early. Jeff Hardy comes out to thunderous applause, looking like an idiot as always. He has holes in his shirt. I suppose it's to represent his earlier life as a junkie in the back alleys of North Carolina. Punk jumps him from behind as he walks down the entrance ramp and is throwing him at the cage.

Punk tosses him into the cage and immediately attempts to escape before being pulled down by Jeff Hardy. Phil Brooks is dominating, but can't seem to escape. He tries to go for the pin, as I guess this is the rare cage match that can be won by escape, pinfall, or submission. Hardy hit an inverted atomic drop, and then attempted to sell that he was going to win with an awkward pin. Hardy almost escapes through the door which is held open by a WWE official. Did they always do this?

Charismatic Enigma almost escapes and the crowd goes nuts, but Phil won't let him. The Unique Enigma could have climbed out, but jumped off the top rope onto CM Punk instead. Clearly his he's unable to make good decisions due to all the drugs he's been using.

"Just like two guys racing cars for pinkslips, these guys are fighting for pinkslips" - Todd Grisham

HARDY HAS PUNK SET UP FOR THE TWIST OF FATE, BUT NO !!!! ITS REVERSED INTO THE GTS!!! NO THATS REVERSED INTO THE BACKSLIDE!!! DID HE GET HIM???? NO!!!!! I THOUGHT THE BACKSLIDE WAS THE WINNER!!!!

Again, Phil set up Hardy for the GTS, but it was countered successfully into the Twist of Fate. CAN JEFFREY DO IT???? He's on top of the cage, but CM Punk caught his leg and they're fighting on top of the cage. THE STRAIGHT EDGE SUPERSTAR AND THE RENEGADE.

Hardy's over the top, but Punk is holding him up, preventing him from falling. He then hits a huge suplex back into the ring.

Punk hits Hardy with the eye gouge and escapes the cage. At least he won with a dirty move. I'd want to poke those mall-goth eyes, too. The Enigmatic Clown lies in the ring with a look of disbelief on his face. He didn't wear the shants in this match.

Hardy looks old. Drug abuse does that to a person though. Fat mall-goths in the audience are crying like crazy. Some girl was fanning her face to rid herself of the tears. Jeff is giving a speech about how he's sorry for letting down all his [sic] klowns. People are seriously crying. This is pathetic. He says he's not leaving forever. Now he's plugging his brother Jake Hardy. They keep showing some fat chick who is trying to start a 'Thank You Jeff' chant. It doesn't work as well as 'Thank You Sting' did in TNA.

THERE ARE SERIOUSLY SO MANY PEOPLE CRYING. DID WWE PLANT THEM???

PHILIP JACK BROOKS IS BACK AGAIN!! HE JACKED JEFF WITH THE BELT!!! I'd start an sXe chant!!!

I think a proper angle here would be to have CM Punk join FSU after this show. He's militant straight edge now, and it makes so much sense. The show ends with Punk holding the belt as your straight edge champion.

Score: Eagle - Any time people are crying over a sic klown leaving a wrestling organization, it's hilarious.

TOTAL SCORE: 5 under par. I don't know how I came to that conclusion, but this show did keep me entertained, mostly due to unintentional humor like people crying over the Enigma's departure.

CAN'T WAIT 'TIL RAW!!! SEE YOU THEN!!!