MONDAY NIGHT RAW HOUR 1

OH HERE WE GO FROM DETROIT!!

The opening montage shows a lot of exciting things like Big Show vs. Mark Henry!!!

Dusty Rhodes comes down to the ring to a big ovation. He talks about how he was inducted into the Hall of Fame, and how Detroit probably won't be a terribly poor city forever. He says he's proud of Cody Rhodes - the crowd is pissed!!! Now he's promoting the I Quit match at Breaking Point, saying that John Cena is going to face his son at Breaking Point. I assume he means Goldust will take on John Cena at a match on Heat before the PPV.

No, he says the Orton is going to face Cody Rhodes for the WWE Championship tonight with a special referee of John Cena.

Orton comes out hopping to his nu-metal tune. He's accusing Dusty Rhodes of being jealous. I'm jealous of Orton's tribals. And his spray-on tan. Orton's threatening to kick him in the skull, so now Cody Rhodes is coming out.

Link is saying that he is going to take the opportunity to face Orton tonight. I never noticed he has a corrected lisp. Orton says the match is fixed, so Papa Roach's music plays and they head to commercial. BUT NOT BEFORE PROMOTING A SIX-DIVA BATTLE ROYAL COMING UP NEXT!!!

SEGMENT 2:

They're showing the Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels match again tomorrow on ECW. I'll finally see it, but I don't know why they keep showing it on every show they have now. ECW has no wrestlers, but still.

TIME FOR THE DIVA BATTLE ROYAL!!! Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly head ot the ring to no applause, but more than Beth Phoenix subsequently comes out to. Next is Rosa Mendes, no one cares. Jillian Hall, no one cares. Alicia Fox, no one cares. I like how they send the next diva out immediately after the previous diva before gets to the ramp. Rosa Mendes is done very quickly. Kelly Kelly is going off. She got hit with the scissors kick by Sharmell, I mean Alicia Fox, who then is eliminated by Gail Kim. Beth Phoenix eliminates Kelly Kelly, still reeling from the scissors kick. Lots of botched spots of Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix almost being eliminated. Jillian Hall is carrying Gail Kim around trying to eliminate her, and there is no fluidity. Gail almost eliminated, but hits Jillian with the head scissors over the ring ropes, then is eliminated by Beth Phoenix.

WORST MATCH EVER. The crowd was booing almost the entire time. I guess we are going to be treated to a match between Beth Phoenix and Mickie James for the title tonight due to the outcome of this match - the crowd still cares.

Score: Triple Bogey.

Jericho is headed to the ring- maybe he can breathe some life into this show. He's apparently taking on MVP after the break, so I guess we aren't going to get to listen to him talk.

SEGMENT 3:

Cole and the King are going over the fact that Mark Henry and MVP will be taking on JeriShow at Breaking Point for the tag titles.

MVP and Jericho start the match off with some hammerlocks. The crowd has a very weak "MVP" chant going. Is this for MVP or for Jericho as Raw's MVP? MVP countered the Lion Tamer, and has momentum. The crowd starts another MVP chant, but he missed a move in the corner to set up the sprinboard dropkick. Commercial break while MVP lies outside the ring.

Back from commercial, it seems like a lot was missed. Jericho has MVP in a sleeper hold. MVP escapes and gets some offense going before being hit with a bulldog by Jericho. The Lionsault misses, and MVP hits 'Cho with a dropkick to the head. Now he gets to hit his dumb "elbow with theatrics" that never gets the three-count. The announcers claim that hesitation cost him. Jericho reverses MVP's finisher into the walls of jericho, which is countered before 'Cho hits the codebreaker for the win.

Score: Par. Nothing good happened, but it followed that horrible divas match so anything would seem good.

Now DX is backstage mocking Dusty Rhodes, who is standing there holding 'The Rise and Fall of WCW' DVD. They attempt to talk him out of giving Cody Rhodes a title shot, then he says that Shawn Michaels and Triple H will get a title shot if he wins. Now DX is fighting about who deserves the title shot. Now Dusty Rhodes says they're going to hang out and watch the WCW DVD, which leads to Shawn Michaels plugging it. Dusty Rhodes plugs his DVD, and Triple H lectures him about how they don't like things being plugged before plugging the DX DVD.

The crowd finds this funny. I don't get it.

Speaking of things that aren't funny, Hornswoggle is dressed as a cowboy while walking through the backstage area. Another commercial.

Segment 4:

YES!!! CHAVO VS HORNSWOGGLE IN A GIMMICK MATCH!! The crowd is booing and nothing's even happened. Chavo's wearing a cow costume without the head. Oh guess what, the ref said he has something else for Chavo before going to get the head.

Hornswoggle is cracking up, and Chavo is pissed. The crowd would probably be pissed, but they're taking a nap right now. The target audience for a segment like this has been in bed for 55 minutes, why don't they just put this on Superstars and be done with it. It's the only show that comes on when three-year-olds are up.

Chavo takes the head off and is threatening to hit Hornswoggle, but Evan Bourne runs out again. The distraction allows Hornswoggle to use the rope to flip Chavo off, put the cow head on backwards, and tie him up for the victory. The crowd started a bullshit chant to signify that this match was crap and that a cow was involved.

Chavo attacks Evan Bourne, misses a shoulder block into the turnbuckle, Evan Bourne hits him, and Hornswoggle puts on the cow head and hits a big splash. Michael Cole actually followed that up by saying 'WHAT A MOOVE'. I'm going to kill myself now.
Score: Triple Bogey. Second of the night, this was a good first hour.